THE AE JOURNAL

The Question & Answer Segment:

Sheryl of East Orange, New Jersey finds that when a relationship looks good on paper, it does not necessarily mean that it is good for the heart-- her heart. She asks the following:

Question:

Sheryl| age 28 - East Orange, New Jersey

I have found myself in this "amazing" relationship with a man who I have first called a friend. We have been going out for six months and on paper he is everything I could have ever hoped for. My boyfriend is good looking, a home owner, has a solid career, and he treats me well. There is no sparks for me and I am worried that I may not be giving him a fair chance. I am starting to think there is something wrong with me. My family and friends adore him but I am extremely worried that I am settling. Am I? What can I do?

-Sheryl

Answer:

Your boyfriend sounds like a Mr. Moment of six months rather than Mr. Right. In relationships it is common to initially go against your primordial instincts. These instincts are feelings that a person generates for themselves, which doesn't allow any clout of the opinions and thoughts presented by others. It is this "gut" feeling that can be deemed to be the most pure and honest feeling, due to this simple fact alone.

Most women who question if they are settling over a period of time are. In such cases they are acknowledging facts about their relationship while simultaneously noticing what is most important, they’re not satisfied in one or more aspects of their relationship. Instead of embracing this fact they tend to displace blame on themselves and proceed in waiting it out for changes.

Psychotherapist Mira Kirshenbuem, author of "Is He Mr. Right? Everything you need to know before your commit," states that there are five crucial elements for a healthy relationship. She suggests if one or more aspects are missing that the individual in question is indeed settling.

The elements are as follows:

1) Physical chemistry or affection

2) Real intimacy : sense of closeness/connection

3) "Fun" which is described as the real glue of intimacy

4) Safety, trust and security with the other person

5) Mutual respect

Sheryl there is obviously one or more aspects from the above listed "crucial elements," that is missing in your relationship. You seem aware that there is "something" missing but you continue to settle while displacing all blame on to yourself. The sense of worry and frustrations will only proceed to augment and linger. The fact that your family and friends may adore your boyfriend shouldn't hold weight in your decision. In the end, you're dating him--not your friends or family members. I understand you may be confused as to why a seemingly perfect man is not perfect for you. This is normal.

The only way to not settle and know what you want is to take time with yourself FIRST and then explore your options in potential mates. Most women first start to settle when they're young and don't have a clear understanding of who they're or what they wish to have in a potential mate. This leads in a continuous cycle of settling for less and NOT living to your full potential.

Time is the cure here. Once you step away from this situation to understand yourself first, you'll find that a cloudy veil has been lifted from your eyes. You'll be less inclined to put up with relationships that simply don't work. Listen to your instincts--we women are magical creatures.

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